What L Came Back To and WHY He Came Back to It
by Ratt9
Summary: TOTAL crack. L leaves for just ONE HOUR and comes back to face absolute MADNESS. Watari is killing small animals, Soichiro kicked a hole in the wall, L's lolipops have malfunctioned, and many other horrors L came back to. What in the world happened?
1. Chapter 1

Hey everybody! This is PURE crack! This is only the opening. I will be amazed if anybody can guess what caused this madness. It was all caused by just one event.

**L walked into the task force hq after taking one hour off work to go to the candy store. As soon as he entered, everyone surrounded him and started screaming at him at once.**

"L, there is a fly nest somewhere here in hq!" Soichiro.

"L, we had to dump a bucket of boiling water on your computer, and now it's ruined, so…sorry. Hopefully there wasn't anything important on it." Mogi.

"L, you might wanna clean the roof in the observation room, cuz there's blood and cake all over the ceiling." Aizawa.

"L, Watari accidentally ran over a bunny with his limo!" Matsuda.

"L, the president is rather angry at you for tying his shoelaces together." Watari.

"L, Watari also accidentally poked a bird's eye out with a big stick!" Matsuda.

"L, sorry, but there are Cheetos in the washing machine mixed in with the clothes." Soichiro.

"L, I kinda snapped all your computer software disks in half. I did it on purpose. I hope you don't mind too much." Aizawa.

"L, Light playfully clocked someone in the head with a baseball bat and killed them on accident!" Matsuda.

"Ryuzaki, I didn't mean to kill the dude! I meant to protect him! I won't get arrested, right?" Light.

"L, your lollipops seem to have…malfunctioned." Watari.

"L, we are all gonna die from the alien plague!" Mogi.

"L, Watari also cut off a lizard's tongue with a butcher's knife, but it was on purpose, so it's okay." Matsuda.

"Ryuzaki, I accidentally broke the plunger." Light.

"L, don't be alarmed, but there is now a big hole in your bedroom wall, where I kicked it to make it that way." Soichiro.

"L, Aiber fell down a well and got saved by Lassie." Watari.

"L, I accidentally spilled a bunch of acid on a lot of your money, and now it's all burned." Aizawa.

"Ryuzaki, Watari shot a person dressed as a horse with his sniper rifle and accidentally injured/killed them." Light.

"L, we've run out of dishwasher soap." Mogi.

"L, Roger got killed by Matsuda." Watari.

"L, I didn't mean to! Wait—I killed him?" Matsuda.

"L, careful not to touch the walls. We've put bombs in them that are set to go off at the slightest vibrations." Soichiro.

L just stared at them.

"What. The freaking. Hell. Happened. While I was gone. For _one hour_?" L.

To be continued.

Can anyone guess what single thing caused ALL this madness? No, it's not a person. It's a thing (perhaps living, or nonliving). You'll find out in the next chapter! But I want at least 7 reviews guessing what it is, first! =O Thanks for reading! ! ! ! ^ ^

~Ratt Kazamata


	2. Chapter 2

L stared at the task force expectantly. "Well?"

"We just TOLD you what happened!" Light pointed out.

L eyetwitched. "Explain _why_."

"Well," Soichiro began, "it all started when Matsuda told us that—"

He was cut off. "That was also your first error," L interrupted. "Think about it. _You listened to _Matsuda."

Everyone in the task force was silent, and just stared at each other in disbelief as they realized their fault (Don't get me wrong; I adore Matsuda! ^ ^ He's so adorable! But he's also really fun to pick on. XD).

L sighed and walked over to his chair. Just as he was about to sit down, he stopped. "Is the chair safe to sit down in…?" he asked cautiously.

Light thought for a moment. "Hmm…um, Dad? Is that the chair we set up with alarms?"

"Uh…I don't remember…" Soichiro admitted. L sighed again. He ended up sitting down on the floor, as did everyone else.

"Now, explain."

_One Hour Earlier…_

"Everyone, I've decided to take a break from the Kira case for one hour, while I go to the new candy store that just opened," L informed everyone. "Watari, I trust you to take care of things while I'm gone?"

"Yes, sir," Watari replied, bowing slightly.

"Alright, I won't be long." L walked out the door.

A few minutes after L left, Matsuda burst into the room, breathing heavily. "Guys, there's a problem!" he exclaimed.

Everyone looked up. "What is it, Matsuda? Did they fire your favourite singer or something?" guessed Light, bored.

"No! It's—there's…flies! There are a whole bunch of flies here in hq!" Matsuda explained quickly.

"…and why is that of concern…?" Soichiro asked. "Flies are harmless."

Matsuda shook his head. "No," he said, "not these ones!"

Everyone looked at him curiously.

"Well, you see…" Matsuda looked down shyly, "I left out a bunch of acid last night. You know, the type that burns through steel, or something?" Nobody bothered to ask _why _exactly he had acid that burned through things, and just let him continue to explain. "Well…this morning, I came back, and there were a whole _swarm _of flies around it, eating the acid!"

"So let me get this straight…" Aizawa said slowly, "You are freaking out because you are worried that a few flies are going to die from some acid? Matsuda, we have bigger things to worry about…like, you know…_the Kira case, maybe? !"_

"No no no!" Matsuda cried, frustrated. "I'm NOT worried about the flies! It's just that…flies puke whenever they land…and, well, you see…there were a bunch of holes in the chair near the acid that the flies ate. Some of the flies must have landed on it, puked acid, and then it burned holes through the chair! We need to protect the headquarters and kill all those flies!"

"For once, I agree with your idea!" Soichiro exclaimed. "Everyone, let's go and try to kill the flies! Don't let them land on you, or you could die!"

They all set off to accomplish their goal, with ideas of their own of what to do.

_Current Time…_

"So…this _whole _mess was caused by _flies_? !" L clarified, disbelievingly.

"Well…yes…" Matsuda confirmed timidly.

"And where were the _intelligent _minds during all of this?" L asked, glancing at Light and Watari.

Watari shrugged and Light looked away. "Well…" Light began quietly, "I figured that the holes in the chair was enough proof that Matsuda's story was accurate…"

"Are you talking about the chair in the Testing Lab?" L questioned.

"Yes, why do you ask?" Matsuda replied.

L squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to stay calm. "Because," he said through clenched teeth, "that chair is _built _with holes in it!"

"Oops…"

To Be Continued…

Short! D: I know! ^ ^ no one guessed flies. Well, actually, only one person guessed… What do you think of this? I don't know if everyone else finds it good, or if they think it sucks…please more reviews? ;~; they are my inspiration! 

I'll update soon! Thanks for reading! 


	3. Chapter 3

Hey everybody! :D It's RATT! ! ! ! ! ! Not that anyone reads this anyway…but ^ ^ at least the story gets read. …I _think_…lol I'm really random at the moment. And hyper. So…yeah. ^ ^ uh…review? Read my other stories? Stuff like that. =D thanks for the support, peoples! ^ ^ enjoy!

"Watari," L said, "please explain to me why the president of the United States of America thinks that I tied his _shoelaces _together, all the way from _Japan_. I may be able to do many things, but playing pranks on the president of the United States while I am thousands of miles away and across and _ocean _is not one of them."

"I don't know," Watari admitted. "But he phoned me and informed me that you had done so."

"That's…odd…" L said slowly. "But anyway, my other concern is to know what else happened while I was gone. So, please continue the story."

_Approximately an Hour Earlier…_

Matsuda ventured nervously around headquarters. He went into the lab again and saw something truly horrible.

Lying out on the counter, there was an open PETRI Dish that contained a substance that was labeled "Alien Substance". There were flies surrounding it, and a few in it.

"OH MY GOD!" Matsuda exclaimed. "Ryuzaki is in possession of what must be some top secret sample of disease transmitted from aliens from outer space! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! And now that the flies have landed in it, we will all be contaminated! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !" Matsuda rushed and let all of the task force members know, so that they would be aware of the dangers in pursing this issue. If they let a fly land on them, not only would their skin be burned, but they would get an alien disease!

Mogi watched in horror as one of the acid-puking, extraterrestrial-contaminated flies landed on Ryuzaki's computer. "No!" he shouted. _What do I do? ! _he thought. Mogi got an idea.

He ran to the kitchen and got a bucket of boiling water. He rushed back to the computer and dumped the entire bucket on top of it. The computer may have been ruined, but at least the world's greatest detective wasn't going to die from some strange extraterrestrial illness.

Watari was trying to figure out how to deal with the current situation. _Perhaps I should call Ryuzaki…_ he thought. _Actually, surely not. It wouldn't be good if we prove that we can't handle a single hour without him. We must deal with this on our own. _At that moment, Watari remembered something crucial. _Roger is in Tokyo for the week! I could phone him and ask him to come over here and help!_

Aizawa had a secret weapon. He had located…an electric fly-swatter! He decided to kill flies in the observation room first. He walked in slowly.

The observation room was untouched from the way L had left it a mere 7 (or so) minutes earlier. On the counter, there was unfinished cake and tea. The dim lighting of the room accentuated the glow of the computer monitors.

Aizawa spotted a fly as it flew past him. He swatted at it like crazy with uncoordinated movements. He chased it across the room, swatting blindly. In the process, he accidentally hit L's cake with the electric fly-swatter. The cake fell to the ground; the plate it was on shattered as it made impact with the tile.

Aizawa froze. "Ryuzaki is gonna _kill _me for that…" he muttered, before turning his attention back to the fly that was still loose. It was flying higher than Aizawa could reach, so he stood up on the table.

The fly-swatter had cake and frosting on it. He attempted to crush the fly against the ceiling but only succeeded at covering the walls and roof with cake. _There's gonna be a lot of cleaning up to do, if we survive long enough… _Aizawa thought to himself subconsciously.

At that moment, the fly flew towards Aizawa's face. Caught up in the moment, Aizawa screamed and took a step back. He ended up slipping and fell down on the table. In his fall, he knocked over L's teacup and the liquid spilled onto his electric fly-swatter, rendering the electric part of it non-working. Aizawa dropped the fly-swatter for fear of it potentially electrocuting him. "Time for Plan B…" he mumbled.

Matsuda was freaked out. He was terrified that the fly was going to kill him. It kept flying right at his head. He flailed his arms frantically, trying to prevent it from touching him. "Death by fly, death by fly, death by fly…" he whimpered over and over again, almost in tears. "I want to get out of here! ! ! ! !"

Matsuda dashed over to Watari, who was just putting his phone away. "W-Watari!" Matsuda stuttered. "L-limo! Drive! You! Now! Please! Death by fly! Drive away! Please! Hurry!" Matsuda chucked the car keys at Watari.

"You want me to drive you away?" Watari clarified, attempting to make sense of the younger officer's words.

Matsuda nodded shakily. "Y-yes…"

Watari raised an eyebrow. "If you really want me to."

They went down into the garage and both men got in the limo. "Drive as fast as you can!" Matsuda shouted.

Watari did so. But before they were more than 20 feet outside of the garage, Matsuda felt the car run over something and screamed at Watari to stop.

Matsuda jumped out of the car and looked at what Watari had hit. "OH MY GOD WATARI YOU RAN OVER A _BUNNY_! ! ! ! !" Matsuda shrieked. He scooped the small dead animal in his arms and began sobbing.

Watari tried to get the man back in the car, but Matsuda wouldn't stop shouting "MURDERER! ! ! ! !", so Watari quickly parked the car back in the parking garage before people would look and see why someone was screaming about murder. Matsuda didn't move.

Soichiro and Light had thought of a plan, but they both agreed that they would need Matsuda for it. They saw Watari come in from the garage.

"Watari, have you seen Matsuda?" Light asked.

"As a matter of fact I have," Watari replied.

"Where is he?" questioned Soichiro.

"He just so happens to be in the middle of the road crying about a bunny," answered Watari.

Not even to bother to question the reasons, Light and Soichiro rushed out over to Matsuda.

"Matsuda!" Soichiro scolded, "get back in here. We need you for a very important job."

Matsuda looked up and sniffed. "Yes, Chief…"

Once back inside, Soichiro handed Matsuda an unopened bag of Cheetos. "With these," Soichiro explained, "you need to lure all of the flies into the laundry room. We'll trap them in. Good luck!"

Matsuda nodded slowly. He opened the bag of Cheetos and poured some into his outstretched shirt, like a net. Holding the bottom of his shirt up to carry the Cheetos, he slowly walked down to the laundry room.

Once in the laundry room, he was supposed to drop the Cheetos on the floor and then exit the room. However, Matsuda being Matsuda, he somehow fell into the washing machine.

_Present Time_

"You fell into the _washer?_" L clarified, making sure he had heard correctly.

"Yes…" Matsuda replied sheepishly, looking down.

"_How?" _L asked, amazed that this was possible.

"It's _Matsuda_," Light cut in, "do you really need to ask?"

"No," L replied, biting his fingernail, "I suppose not."

_To Be Continued…_

Hey everyone! I hoped you liked it! How was it? Review? Please? o-o Or I'll send the flies of doom after you! =D HAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAA! XD


	4. Chapter 4

Let's get one thing straight before everyone decides to hate me after this chapter…_I don't write well when I'm sick! _DX

My prediction is that this chapter is going to suck, and I haven't even started yet. Because, as I just said, I suck at writing when I'm sick. So…I apologize. I'm also incredibly grumpy when I'm ill. But if my prediction is wrong and this chapter actually comes out well, then YAY! :D Enjoy!

"I deduce that out of all of the issues you presented me with upon my arrival, the next one most likely unrelated to this event is the fact that we are lacking dishwashing soap," L guessed thoughtfully. "Am I correct in making this assumption, Mogi?"

"Yes," Mogi replied, nodding. "I just said that because we _do _need dishwasher soap."

"Alright. I was simply clearing that up. Please continue the story."

_Approximately 49 Minutes Earlier…_

Watari decided that he wanted to get out of the madhouse for a few minutes. He stepped outside and sat on a bench. Suddenly a bird landed right beside him. It had a fly on it.

"THE BIRD IS INFECTED! I GOTTA SAVE IT BY KILLING THAT FLY!" Watari exclaimed to no one in particular. He picked up a stick off the ground and whacked the bird. It chirped.

Matsuda came rushing outside to request Watari a clean pair of clothes (that wasn't covered in Cheetos) and was horrified when he saw what Watari was doing.

"DIE!" Watari shouted as he whacked the bird with a stick. The bird was flailing.

"OMG WATARI IZ KILLING POOR BIRDIEZ!" Matsuda shouted in horror.

Watari accidentally jabbed the bird in the eye and it popped out. Matsuda screamed again.

"Oops…" Watari said quietly.

* * *

"I have the greatest plan," Aizawa whispered, chuckling to himself. "Mogi, my servant, come to me!" Mogi hurried over to him, carrying something in his arms. "Did you retrieve them as I asked?"

"Yes, sir!" Mogi informed, saluting. "Here they are. I couldn't find any more than the 122 you now have here." He put down the things he was carrying in his arms. He hesitated, scratched his head, and cautiously asked, "But…are you sure Ryuzaki will be okay with this…?"

"No," Aizawa answered. "He wouldn't be. If he were here, he certainly wouldn't use this method. He would think of a brilliant plan that would rid the HQ of these flies within minutes. However, since I don't have the mind of a super genius, this is the best I can come up with. I don't think Ryuzaki would be okay with this, but I think he would understand. I doubt he'll kill us. He'll be glad that we took such extreme measures to protect this place."

"…By snapping all of his computer software disks in half…?"

"Correct. Now, Servant Mogi, lay all of the disks out on the table. Make sure half of the disk is on the table, and the other half is hanging off. Then apply the sugar to the part of the disk that is resting on the table. Make sure it is well balanced. We don't want any disks falling off the table before it is time to snap them in half."

"If you say so…" Mogi responded.

Once all of that was done, Aizawa stared at all the disks intently, waiting for a fly to land on one of them in an attempt to eat the sugar.

A fly landed on the disk. Aizawa burst forth and snapped the disk in half, folding it over, in an attempt to crush the fly. Unfortunately, the fly was too fast for him and flew away before he could do so. Mogi and Aizawa continued snapping disks in half whenever a fly landed on a CD until they had single-handedly destroyed L's entire collection. They didn't manage to kill a single thing except for the software.

* * *

Watari had a good idea. He would phone Aiber and Wedy and call them over here to attempt to stop the madness of the situation. He took out his phone and called the number. (Lol I love Aiber and Wedy)

It only took about ten minutes for them to arrive.

_Present Time_

"Aiber and Wedy are here?" L asked, curious.

"Er…_were_ here…" Watari corrected.

"Oh?" L raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "Where are they now?"

"…Uh…you'll find out in chronological order," Light said. "It's better that way."

"…I'm not sure I even want to hear the rest of this…"

To Be Continued…

Well, how was that? Please tell me! Reviews make me really really really happy. Reviews make me update faster :D I promise.

I hope you enjoyed! 

~Ratt K.


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry I took so long in writing this chapter. It's just that it is difficult trying to update five different stories at once XD And also, my computer has begun to freeze completely at random moments and make it so that I have to shut it down manually cuz nothing else works. I've been having drastic luck lately. So thanks and sorry for the wait.

Well! I hope you will enjoy this chapter! ^ ^ Don't forget to review! :D

Oh yeah, before I forget: Happy birthday, Nikolai! lol

"So," L said, "you say you found a jar of extraterrestrial disease, correct?"

"That's right!" Matsuda clarified.

"I see. And why would you believe that I have this in the first place? Do you believe that I have come in contact with aliens?"

Matsuda's big grin disappeared for a moment, but then reappeared once more as he said, "No. But we believe that you have come in contact with the United States Government, which has come in contact with aliens." He gave a cheerful nod.

L massaged his temples with his hands. "Alright…just finish this story before my headache gets any worse."

* * *

_Approximately 33 Minutes Earlier…_

Light wandered around outside. He was waiting for Aiber and Wedy, whom Watari said would come. He, however, was unaware that they had already snuck in through the front entrance.

He looked at one man walking along the sidewalk. Light's blood ran cold. A fly had landed on the man's head.

_I need to save him! _Light thought, panicked. Thinking fast, he found a baseball bat that was randomly (and conveniently) placed outside of HQ.

Light, gripping the baseball bat tightly, swung and clocked the man in the head in a playful manner, so as not to hurt the dude. The man dropped down dead. Light blinked. Perhaps he shouldn't playfully clock people in the head with baseball bats anymore.

_Dang, there goes my hobby._

* * *

Watari got an idea. Flies liked sweets. L liked sweets. Watari was the provider of such things.

_I shall just put chemicals on L's lollipops and leave them lying out! When the flies go to eat it, they shall die! :D_, Watari thought happily, proud of his good idea.

He went into the lab and mixed a few very dangerous chemicals together.

He went into the kitchen and retrieved a handful of lollipops. He unwrapped them and lay them out on a table.

Watari dropped the chemicals on top of the lollipops. All seemed to be going well, until they began to bubble and fizz.

_That shouldn't be happening… _Watari decided.

All of a sudden, the lollipops, due to a chemical reaction, exploded.

* * *

_Present Time_

"You blew up my lollipops? ?" L gasped at Watari, horrified.

"I didn't mean to."

"Liar! You did! You didn't even care about their feelings! You were going to feed them to _flies_!" L cried.

"Ryuzaki…they are lollipops…they don't _have _feelings," Watari said slowly.

"Good point. Carry on."

Sorry that was so freaking short! D: I have been busy. Please review? Pretty please with L's strawberry on top? –puppy dog face-

Also, I'll try to update L's Cookbook really soon. I promise I won't forget about it! Hope you enjoyed and thanks for reading. ^ ^

~Ratt Kazamata


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